An Off Day

As most of you know, I like to think of myself as an athlete(of sorts) and I am very proud of the athletic achievments I have accomplished in the last few years.

Now, I could go on and tell you about the things I have done and how great it was to cross the finish line or how happy I was to wear the medal, etc......

But that's not whats on my mind. The last few weeks I have been thinking alot about my future goals; doing another marathon, my 1st half IronMan, 100 mile bike ride. To achieve these things it's gonna take a lot of work, dedication, and sweat. And this is where my thoughts take a turn from the positive ones that i usually write about to the events of a regular, ordinary, ho-hum 3 mile run.

A few months back I started training for an Olympic distance triathlon (1 mile swim, 25 mile bike, 6 mile run) and the training was going well until one ordinary day when I was supposed to run an "easy" 3 mile run (easy because my longer runs were 10-12 miles at the time). About a mile and a half into the run I just stopped running and started to walk. I told my self that I would just walk to the end of that block. Well, I walked the 1.5 back to the house.

Never before had that ever happened to me. I had been running for a good 5 or so years and never had that happen. 2 days later, it happened again. I cut the workout short for no reason. Was it self doubt? Was it burnout? I don't know. What i do know is that it has been hard to shake, hard to overcome. It has even gotten to the point where I fear training for anything because I am afraid it will happen again.

Ok, hold that thought.

I see a similar thing going on with the kids at school. It seems that these kids, and here I am referencing all 4 schools I have taught at, are used to giving up. It seems to have been instilled in many of them, through lack of consequence perhaps, that giving up is a viable option, that hard work is for suckers, that success should be given rather than earned. It disturbs me that I can make that last comment with such confidence in its accuracy.

I don't pretend to be Mr. Hardwork, if there is an easier way i am likely to take it. Who wouldn't? But many of these students are giving up before they begin because they don't think they will be successful anyway, and they don't want to waste their time trying if they are just gonna fail.

End critcism of the students. We will ride that horse some other time.

But there is an easy parrallel to be drawn between my issue and that which I see in the classroom. No one wants to fail, and no wants to waste their time if it's gonna result in failure anyway.

This is where the story turns.

In the Olympic distance triathlon that I was training for I had the best open-water swim I ever had, I also had the best bike ride I ever had in a triathlon and both of these distances were longer than any race I had done before. Even though i caught a cramp in my back coming out of the swim, I still put in my best bike ride. But, Shortly into the run, I walked. I tried to convince myself it would just be for a minute. Well that minute turned into walking about 4 of the 6 miles. The ability to quit was already in me, and it showed itself. When I finally crossed the line my family was there and seemed really proud of me. But i was silently hurting inside and felt that I let them down, and worse, I betrayed myself.

That makes it hard to get started again. At that point it would be easy to have stayed down on the mat, but you know I can't do that. You have read enough of my posts to know how much I love a redemption story, how much I love the story of the guy who finished last, but overcame great adversity to finish at all.

Hopefully, that will be my story. I never claimed to be a great athlete, I never claimed that I could win any race, but I have overcome adversity before, and i will overcome adversity again. I will run today. The thought of quitting will surely cross my mind. I will have to make a decison: run? or walk?

I have failed at many things, many times, but I have picked myself up and dusted my self off just as many times. All I can do, all any of us can do, is face the challenges before us on step at a time, one day at a time. I can't predict success in accomplishing all my goals, and the students can't predict success on every assignment. But we can decide while on the run to day if we will run or walk. And though i cannot tell you what decision i will make tomorrow, today I will choose to run.

Slice like a Ninja, cut like a razor blade.

Last month i watched "Ninja Assassin".


Yesterday I got in another movie from netflix. The movie is called "Ninja".
 
Kelley commented, "Are you gonna keep ordering ninja movies?"

My reply, "yes, i will order ALL the ninja movies".

I thought I was over you

I thought I was over you,
but I guess its not true.
I lay in bed at night
thinking of you.

When i finally fall
into sleep and to dream
you call out to me,
how near you seem.

When I awake
your names on my mind.
yellow cake chocolate icing
why must you be so unkind?

When I Look in the Mirror

when I loof in the mirror, I sometimes see
a 10 year old boy looking back at me.
boundless enrgy, full of hopes and dreams
naive to the world and it's harmful schemes.
He's ready to run and jump and experince it all
with never a thought of a crushing fall.
Does he know me and from where I've come
Would he be happy with who hes become?

when I look in the mirror, I sometimes see
a man of 20 grinning back at me.
He has a look in his eye that the worlds in his hand
he can do it much better than anyone can.
There's a pep in his step, and love in his heart,
He sees oppurtunity before him and he's ready to start.
I see his confidence and desire, his wit and his charm
does he see the hurdles before him that threaten him harm?

When I look in the mirror, I often see
a man whose turned 30 looking for me.
He's working so hard, to fix mistakes of his past
he knows his times coming and its coming fast.
he's working for the future, to be secure in his home
he's learning that to do it right he must do it alone
His charm and his wit are taking a beating
he's learning there's no future, only failure in retreating.

When I looked in the mirror this morning I saw
all 3 of those people, and yet I saw more.
I saw all of the people who have helped and have harmed
I saw the pain that built strength and the need to press on.

When I look in the mirror, once I did see
A man about 40, hiding from me
he was dressed in my clothes, a stranger I'd say
he looked like his best friend had been taken away
I wanted to speak, but no words were found
he looked like he wanted, but could not hear a sound
Could he have know the words never spoken?
was his heart full of joy, or had it been broken?

When I look in the mirror, I plainly see
I kind grey haired gentlemen, laughing at me.
He looks like my father, and a bit like my mom
and like the pictures of grandpa with his fire suit on.
why he is laughing its hard to tell
has his life been a pleasure or has he suffered through hell?
Is he laughing with joy because there is nothing to fear
or that he knows that I'll keep fighting year after year?

When I look in the mirror, I want to say
I don't know the future but I wont go away
I have enjoyed great pleasure, and endured great loss
both sides have come at highly paid cost
Sometimes I will fail but I will not give in
Sometimes i'll be the savior and sometimes I'll sin
through all of my future, as has been in my past
I will fight till I finish, be it in first place or last.

Welcome Back, Trickster!

I just showed my American History class an episode of "Welcome Back, Kotter". The 1st 5 minutes they were making comments like, "this is wack" or "this is lame". I didn't say anything, just let the show speak for itself. By the time the show reached the first commercial break the entire class was quiet and focused on the show. They thought it was a reward for being good this week (because i told them that). What they didn't realize is that I use scenarios from the show to explain things in class and relate aspects of the show to their lives. I don't just teach history, I also teach life lessons.

By the time the show ended they were hooked, they have fallen into my trap(just as my classes have done in past years). Last year I had one class that was especially NOT well behaved. I managed to get them to be somewhat behaved on a Thursday and on Friday told them I was so proud of them that I wanted to give them a reward. So, I showed them an episode, they got hooked. So, every week that they were well behaved Monday-Thursday, we would watch an episode on Friday. Surprisingly, we watched an episode almost every week. The best part is that my role as disciplinarian was greatly reduced as they started calling out each other to behave so they could watch another episode on Fridays. Ah! the little things do make a difference.

So far today, the kids are loving it. Hopefully it will work just as well this year as in the past.

***Note: Class is 60 minutes, episodes are 22 minutes. So, YES, we do American history for the 1st 38 minutes before watching the show. There is ZERO wasted time in my class, that's how i roll!!!

Thanks, Mr. Kotter!

Landmarks, part 2

Todays landmark is not a place but an item from my childhood. This is the 1982ish fisher price record player. My first turntable. I remember being in the back bedroom in the old house on Means ave. In New Orleans east. Back then i was mostly listening to "see & say" records(kid stuff) or "show and tell" records that went along with books that I couldn't ever find. But I also started swiping my parents 45's and listeng to their music, everything from KC and the Sunshine Band to Elvis, Michael Jackson, The Beatles, and Gino Vanelli(that's right, Gino Vanelli), which is probably one reason why I like the old stuff so much today. This is also the 1st turntable I ever tried to "scratch" on. Hip-hop was in its infancy and I liked it from the begining, I haved moved away from it in the last 15 or so years but from Kurtis Blow to the Fat Boys to RUN-DMC, I was hooked





Here is the Record player/"Wheels of steel" that I am refering to, and yes, you could close the top and it has it's own built in handle. You know we 2nd grade DJ's need to be portable.

The control on the front left isthe volume dial, the one on the right is the speed controler. 45rpm or 33 1/2 rpm. Only problem is that if you wanted to play 33's you had to take the lid off because the ablums were so big.

I don't recall what ever became of this audio masterpiece but I do know That whenever see a DJ spinning records or I hear the pops and hiss's of vintage vinyl, this baby will be on my mind.

Fishing and Fighting

a couple months ago I went with two of my best friends on a trip to Virginia. We stayed in a cabin owned by one of the friends family. The goal of the trip was to just relax and have fun. We had some ideas about what we wanted to, but nothing was set in stone. We accomplished our objective, we relaxed for a week and had a lot of fun.

I'm not gonna give out all the details but mailnly we watched the tour de france in the morning and then headed to the river for some fishing. evenings were dinner and dvd's.

I was looking for a picture earlier and came across the one above. No, that's not me. That's one of my friends. But it is my favorite picture from the trip. It reminds me of all the things I always wanted to do but never took the time to actually do.

This trip, this summer, and really the last 2 years I have started to change that. I realize that there places I want to see and things I want to do, but I often let those things remain just a wish.

These days I look at things I want to do and make plans to do them. No one's gonna do it for me, I have to do it myself, and that's the way it should be.

I always wanted to do a marathon, so I trained for it and did it. I always wanted to do a triathlon and did it. I wanted to learn to fish, I did it, I wanted to take a spur of the monent trip, I did it. I wanted to be more relaxed and impulsive, I did it. I wanted to be financial responsible and independent, I did it. The list goes on.

I always wanted to take a fishing trip to the mountains and stand in a cold clear stream on a beautiful day in the company of good friends. Now I have.

The point is that fear used to control what I did. I feared I would fail, Ifeared i couldn't afford, I feared, it wouldn't turn out right. That fear made me into someone else. Those of you who know me well know who i am, my silly, fun-loving, outgoing side. And that's me. fear turned me into a quiet recluse. I stifled myself(as Archie Bunker would say). But, as the last 2 years, and especially the last 6 months have passed by I have realized that this is my life and I only get one chance to live.

So, I will not live in fear. I will hold my head up, be strong and courageous, and do the things I always dreamed to do. You see, there is a battle going on inside of us all. A battle between this and that, it's diferrent for us all, but the battle does not discriminate. Your battle may be different than mine, but your battle is just as much a struggle as is mine.

That battle is called life, and it is really hard sometimes. But the only one who can make it better is you. Look your battle dead in the eye and let it know that you are hunting it, and that you will defeat it. Because to fight is to live. if you do not fight, you will surely die.

As Simon and Garfunkel put it:

"In the clearing stands a boxer

And a fighter by his trade

And he carries the reminders

Of ev'ry glove that layed him down

Or cut him till he cried out

In his anger and his shame "

I am leaving, I am leaving"

But the fighter still remains"

Sometimes you lose, and you WILL lose. But, as long as the fighter remains, the battle continues, and it's THE BATTLE I LOVE.

Don't give up.